I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
