I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
