My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
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You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
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Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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