Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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