based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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