remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
