I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
