It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
