the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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