I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.