If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.