My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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