I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
