it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
