His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
