I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
