I wish I could teleport
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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