Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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