I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
