Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
