I CAN MOONWALK!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
