You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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