i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im holly from the hills drunk
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
