I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
