how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just gargled with NyQuil
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
