I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
