Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
