i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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