OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
