he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
