How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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