Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
