god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
