well I can't set my house on fire every night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
is that a dick in a sweater?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
