Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
