There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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