Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
