i just wanna soil my oats bro
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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