You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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