Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
