hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
