i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Sober January is a disaster.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
