Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I look better un-naked...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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