He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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