How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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