Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
