please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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