Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
