he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
