Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
