just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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