I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
