You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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