after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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