I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Houston, we have a squirter
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
