For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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