do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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